2013: An End and a Beginning

2013 is coming to a close has been closed for over a month and I can't quite put to words the changes and growth that have occurred. We started a new chapter in our marriage and in our life and we are finding our footing daily as we learn our new roles.

2013: The Survey
 

Was 2013 good for you? This was a growing, blossoming year for me. Yes.

What was your favorite moment of the year? There have been so many favorite moments. The first is probably the first time Remmy smiled a meaningful smile. The second is watching her and Jason playing on the California beach.
 

What was your worst moment of the year? Hmmm... I think I kept my worst self under wraps this year. I know I had some pretty terrible thoughts but, thank God, they never passed my lips.

Where were you when 2013 began? At the Higley house

Who were you with? Ma Pa Higley, Josh, Laura, Palke, and Jason. We watched Season 7 of How I Met Your Mother episodes 2-10 and flipped over in time to see the ball drop on Time Square.

Did you keep your new years resolution of 2013? I never committed to a word for the My One Word challenge. I did a fair job of living in the moment, though, which had been an unspoken goal.

Where were you when 2013 ended? At home playing Settlers of Catan Cities & Knights with Jason, Josh and Laura.

Do you have a new year's resolution for 2014? My One Word this year is "Simplify." My life feels chaotic and complicated lately. I want to slow down, be present, and rid myself of the clutter in my mind, body, spirit, and space. 

Did you fall in love in 2013? The most beautiful, smart, endearing little red head came into my life and I am completely in love.
 

Did you make any new friends in 2013? Yes, my old college roommate added me to her mom's group and we also started attending a small church regularly and are getting to know the people there.

What was your favorite month in 2013: May

Why this month? Aunt Deb came to visit, I finished an important work project and we welcomed our daughter into our lives.

Did you travel outside of the country in 2013? Nope

How many different places did you travel to in 2013? The usual suspects, along with Hemet, Carlsbad and Newport for some
flavor.


Did you miss anybody in the past year? I didn't talk to my Aunt Deb as much as usual this past year and I was terrible at keeping in contact with friends.

What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2013? "Frozen" hands down.

What was your favorite song from 2013? "Let Her Go" by Passenger and "Love Is An Open Door" from Frozen soundtrack, along with "Let It Go" and "In Summer" and the rest of the soundtrack.

How many concerts or plays did you see in 2013? We saw Trans-Siberian Orchestra and some folk music in Sisters. I don't recall any plays this year.

 

Did you have a favorite concert in 2013? Trans-Siberian was the only one I went to so it wins by default.

What was your favorite book(s) in 2013? Gosh, I don't even know what I read this year and I haven't done much reading lately. "Refined by Fire" and "Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief" are the only two that come to mind.

Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? Nope.

What was the biggest lie you told in 2013? That I was fully recovered from all the post-baby body weirdness.

Did you treat somebody badly in 2013? There was that one time I decided I wasn't feeling up to being graceful and I didn't apologize. And I didn't think about that until right now and right now I think it doesn't much matter.

Did somebody treat you badly in 2013? Probably. 

What was your proudest moment of 2013? Finishing the Tinkerbell 1/2 marathon while 6 months pregnant. That was the most difficult race I've ever done on a number of levels, but is the race I'm most proud of. I finished and I didn't drop a baby on the course. Win, win!

What was your most embarrassing moment of 2013? I may have thrown up in a grocery bag during prodromal labor and my aunt held it out the car window while we drove home from the park. Yeah, that happened.

If you could go back to any moment of 2013 and change something, what would it be? The thing I want to change I don't think I could have. I really wanted the unmedicated birth, but I don't think there's anything I could have done differently to keep that silly girl in the optimal position. In the end, I just thank God I had such an amazing birth team and avoided surgery.

Where did you work in 2013? AH Foundation and I received a promotion.

Favorite TV shows(s) of 2013? I discovered "Vampire Diaries" and "Hart of Dixie" and I'm a little ridiculous about them.

Favorite Band(s) of 2013? Gloriana

Favorite Food in 2013? Frozen tropical fruits, yogurt and french fries.

Favorite Drink in 2013? Raspberry Crystal Light

Favorite Place in 2013? Carlsbad

Favorite person(s) to be with in 2013? My little family

Favorite person(s) to talk to in 2013? Bobby and Leslie

 Favorite trip in 2013? Anniversary trip to Bend

Favorite stores in 2013? Powell's Books and Nordstrom

 Most Difficult thing you Went through in 2013: Learning to be a mama and career woman has been pretty hard but also rewarding.

Most exciting moment(s) in 2013? Completing the Tinkerbell 1/2 Marathon. My newphew's arrival followed by Crystal's baby's arrival a week later and Reese baby's appearance two months after. Meeting our baby in May. First hiking trip with baby. Oregon State Fair. Meeting our niece.Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Rip City: Best in the West!

 

Funniest moment(s) in 2013? All the ones that come to mind involve poop. Poop has become a large part of my life it turns out.

2012: But for the Grace of God go I

The sun is setting on another year. The air has turned a bitter cold and as I breathe it in I reflect back on what 2012 brought and taught me. It was a strange year that will reverberate through and color the rest of my life. Fortunately, the heartbreak and joy balance eachother out nicely.

2012: The Survey

Was 2012 good for you? This year was challenging, humbling, and full of growth. Those things aren't bad, just uncomfortable. 

What was your favorite moment of the year? This year my favorite moment was sitting in an ultrasound room with my husband listening to our baby's heartbeat for the first time. I wish you could bottle up those emotions and relive them every day. There is nothing like the sound of a miracle.

What was your worst moment of the year? The single worst moment was learning I'd been lied to by the one person I trust unconditionally. The fall out from that was pretty hairy as well.

Where were you when 2012 began? I don't remember and there are no pictures to document the occasion... Oh wait. I spent all of December 30 in Bend doing the Ale Trail. December 31 we were recovering and Jason and I drove home. I remember driving home, it's entirely possible I stayed home and slept once we got there.

Who were you with? I'm sure Jason and the cats were home.


Did you keep your new years resolution of 2012? In 2012, I committed to the My One Word challenge. My word was grace and I can say in confidence that choosing to respond in grace and hold myself to a standard of grace has positively affected every area of my life.

Where were you when 2012 ended? At the Higley house with Higley parents, Josh, Laura, Palke, and Jason. We watched Season 7 How I Met Your Mother episodes 2-10. 


July 2012 - Dinner at Elmers on the
way home from Cousin Palooza 2012.

Do you have a new year's resolution for 2013? I will continue with the One Word challenge, though I am not sure what this year's word will be yet. Humbleness, consciousness, and hope are all words I'm tossing around right now.
 
Did you fall in love in 2012? Yes, and I learned to choose love even when it's really, really hard.
Did you make any new friends in 2012? Met some new runners and friends of friends.



This was the best picture from the race. Leslie is terrified of
mascots and finds Stitch particularly frightening.
So awesome.

 What was your favorite month of 2012? February.

Why this month? In February my best friend and I took a girls' trip to Orlando, stayed at a DisneyWorld resort, ran the Disney Princess 1/2 Marathon (my first) and visited Harry Potter World. So much was packed into five days and every day of it was awesome.


Did you travel outside of the country in 2012? Well, 2012 was NOT the year I actually went to Canada. Seriously, I will renew my passport. I was just thinking about this earlier today, but I have fatty pregnant face right now and I'm not thrilled with the idea of renewing my passport whilst 5 months pregnant.

Preparing for Turtle Shell 2 Epic Relay activation and reuniting
with Kisha after she spent a year in the Dominican Republic.

How many different places did you travel to in 2012? Roseburg, Epic Oregon Relay (Tigard to Eugene), up and down the northern Oregon Coast, and Orlando.


Did you miss anybody in the past year? I got pretty anxious for my grandparents to come back north and started missing the Johnstons dreadfully mid-winter. Fortunately everyone was back home by June.


What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2012? "Brave" and "Les Miserables" are the only movies I remember watching in 2012 (Les Mis just made the cutoff with a New Year's Eve 7 pm showing). I preferred Les Mis to Brave.

What was your favorite song from 2012? "Blessings" by Laura Story
How many concerts or plays did you see in 2012? Zack Freiwald down at Earth & Vine in Baker City.


Did you have a favorite concert in 2012? Voices of Hope concert at Living Savior Lutheran. We weren't singing this year, but it's always so great to hear them sing.


What was your favorite book(s) in 2012? Unladylike: Resisting the Injustice of Inequality in the Church by Pam Hogeweide and Kisses from Katie by Katie Davis made the biggest impact on my life. Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me (And Other Concerns) by Mindy Kaling had me in stiches an entire weekend.

Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? Nope.

Dad, Mama, Ryan, Steph, and Judah Bentley came to visit!
August 2012 - Bob's Red Mill

What was the biggest lie you told in 2012? "We're great."

Did you treat somebody badly in 2012? I had some moments with my husband I could have shown more grace. Sometimes grace is really, really hard.

Happy, tired Finishers!
Disney Princess 1/2 Marthon
Disney World, Orlando

Did somebody treat you badly in 2012? The bad behavior was not directed at me, but it definitely had lasting consequences that affected/are affecting me.

What was your proudest moment of 2012? Finishing the Disney Princess 1/2 marathon.

What was your most embarrassing moment of 2012? The first time I threw up at work from pregnancy induced nausea. It didn't get less embarrassing, but we all kinda accepted that was going to be the routine for awhile.

Katie's (pregnant lady in denim skirt) baby shower fun!
Looking forward to three more of these in 2013.

If you could go back to any moment of 2012 and change something, what would it be? My response on May 15, though part of me is glad things played out the way they did cause it could have been worse.

Where did you work in 2012? AMC Foundation

Favorite TV shows(s) of 2012? Once Upon a Time and we've gotten into Burn Notice

Favorite Band(s) of 2012? The Band Perry and ABBA

Favorite Food in 2012? Mashed potatoes and cantaloupe

 

Butterbeer at Three Broomsticks
Harry Potter World, Universal

 Favorite Drink in 2012? Butterbeer

Favorite Place in 2012? German and Norway Pavilions at Epcot

Favorite person(s) to be with in 2012? Leslie, Dez, Heather, and Crystal

Favorite person(s) to talk to in 2012? Aunt Deb, Bobby, Grandma+pa

Favorite trip in 2012? Orlando trip with Leslie. Bonneville Dam Hot Springs for my birthday is a close second.

Favorite stores in 2012? I really didn't do much shopping this year... Cottonbabies and Amazon got most of my spending money.


Hardest thing you had to go through in 2012? Rebuilding my marriage.


Most exciting moment(s) in 2012? Running the 1/2 Marathon at Disney World/Epcot. Crystal's pregnancy. Ethan's birth. Going off the antidepressant medication. Spending a week with the Bentley Family. Laura's pregnancy. My own pregnancy and learning we're having a little girl (totally won the lottery on that one). Planning a trip to San Diego.



Funniest moment(s) in 2012? Laughing while our doctor friend was doing an ultrasound. Now every time I laugh I picture what happens to the baby and that makes me laugh harder.



The day we found out we were having a girl. You can't tell,

but we were totally in shock and still absorbing the news.

2013 will bring the first Bentley grandgirl!



May 2013 bring you much joy, peace and happiness.

Go make your dreams come true!

Redemption

The last month has been a whirlwind of emotions. It has been a proving ground for my faith and values. It has been uncomfortable, painful, exhausting, and trying. In coming face to face with a nightmare I have seen what my values are really made of

As my support system has split into factions around the issue I have been able to hold my head up and keep pushing through with a sense of peace I've never known. Yes, fear of the unknown is there. Yes, my plans have been trashed. Yes, my life is upside down and inside out and none of it is fair or my fault. Yes, my heart is bruised and broken. Yet despite all the discomfort and pain, the knowledge that it is all out of my hands and at the close - however far into the future that ends up being - the Bentleys will be stronger for having endured.

In the time I've spent meditating on and practicing grace I have begun to wrestle with the question of redemption and restoration. I believe redemption is always possible, and out of that comes restoration, but in my humanness I don't always want to believe it's available to everyone. The beauty of the gift is I don't get to pick and choose who "qualifies" for redemption. I am comforted that not one of us is ever too far beyond the reach of grace and there is always hope for restoration if we're willing to do the dirty work. Redemption and restoration is dirty work.

Lord, help me stand by my relationships even in the yuck and see the work through to completion. May You make something beautiful from these ashes. 

The Thing About Grace is...

It doesn't make sense. It goes against our very nature to extend mercy to someone who doesn't deserve it and could never earn it. Yet we all long for it; even demand it of others.

When I chose "grace" as my One Word for 2012, it never occurred to me the trials that would come my way to teach me the meaning and depth of grace. I understand in a whole new way how the Father's heart must have broken when the price was paid for reconciliation.

Six months have passed since I committed myself to focus on grace. Each time I have made the choice to extend grace and withold condemnation, my heart has grown fuller. This is a phenomenon that I cannot explain. In the midst of my current storm I have felt tremendous peace when no less than five months ago I would have been an unconsolable wreck.

I like the person I am becoming, but Lord it's hard. It is so very, very hard to choose grace in the face of betrayal. It is so hard to choose grace in the midst of disappointment. It is so difficult to choose grace when I want to condemn. But it is a choice. I have a choice. And I choose to keep choosing grace.

Grace and Strength

In keeping with my current ponderings about grace, strength, light and New Year's resolutions, today I looked up at my calendar and was challenged by this month's verse:

"Be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus." 2 Timothy 2:1

For some reason this hit me really hard this morning. I often think of strength as being overpowering and grace as being gentle. To see those two words side by side, complementing one another, has made my head spin in a way that will require me to sit with it for awhile. Be strong. In grace.

As I continue to reflect on last year and what I want this year to look like I have thought a lot (alot) about the My One Word challenge. While it is spiritual in nature, I think it could be applied secularly as well: How do you want to grow? What kind of person do you want to be by 2012's end? How would implementing one word change your relationships?

Passion... Grace... Intention.... these are words I'm mulling over.

What one word would you choose to guide your actions and what kind of person would that word shape you into?