41 and 3

41 weeks and 3 days new.
Same amount of time she was in the womb.

Sometimes I have so many thoughts I can't quite articulate them. Motherhood has definitely been a season of wordlessness for me.

I had (and have) so many fears around motherhood. Sometimes I look at this amazing little person who looks so much like me and so much like her papa and yet is her own self and wonder how I got here. How did I get blessed with this little being who loves life and others so unabashedly? I feel the full weight of the charge to nurture her, guard her heart, and let her be the person she's meant to be and as much as part of me is terrified I'm going to screw it up the other part is amazed at how easy and natural it all is. Parenting is hard, but there is so much joy in it. For some reason I'm surprised by this.

We marked a milestone on March 6: Little Girl has been out of the womb longer than she was in it. She is such a firecracker. Her striving to be independent regularly has me in giggles. She's gearing up to walk and still needs to hold on to things, but she doesn't want to hold our hands. The other day she figured out she can pull herself up on the back of my legs and then walk behind me as I walk around. Ingenius, really.

The words of wisdom I was given regarding parenthood have rung so true: The days are long but the years are short. Every day is new and old, but I don't think anyone will ever be as excited about morning as that sweet munchkin is. Her joy is contagious.

Our Story ~ Letter to Little

Well, now we come to the part of the story I don't know how to tell.  In five, ten, fifteen years my sincerest prayer is that we can point to the altar we built during this time and declare in confidence the LORD brought us through a really dark time and grew us while we were in it. The blessings have outweighed the pain.

Dear Little One,

Sometimes life is more difficult than we let on and in trying to hold our life together by ourselves we cause more hurt and brokenness - to ourselves and sometimes to others. In those broken times our mind wanders and in the worst of times can lead us off the narrow path. 

What I want you to know is you can never stray too far from the power of grace. This is what your papa and I learned this summer. While we can't change what happened and though it may continue to haunt us and those who were hurt, this I know: God will make something from these ashes.  

We need people in our lives. To share our joys and sorrows and to hold us accountable. I hope you always feel the love we have for you and the love of the people who will surround you feel. 

We love you and are so excited to meet you.

Love,
Mama 

***I think I started writing this a year ago, but still didn't know where to go with it. A year later I think this suffices.***

Finding the Right Name

“Must a name mean something?" Alice asked doubtfully.

Of course it must," Humpty Dumpty said with a short laugh; "my name means the shape I am - and a good handsome shape it is, too. With a name like yours, you might be any shape, almost.”  -- Lewis Carroll

I have always loved names. Unique names, mythological names, antiquated names, Biblical names... the list goes on. So much of my life, outlook, and confidence is wrapped up in my own name - victory and wisdom - that I have always taken the task of naming very seriously. 

Enter my husband. He also takes naming very seriously and we both want a strong, meaningful name for our child. And that's where the similarities stop. I say "Hilde," he says, "Norah." I say, "Freya" (nod to his Nordic roots) he looks at me like I grew a second head. I think the seriousness of naming may be one of the reasons the gestation period is 40+ weeks.

Nearly 10 years ago, we had settled on names for our children. In the meantime both of those names have skyrocketed to the top of the charts and/or been added to our family via other means. (Even the back up names, so strange.) So when the two pink lines showed up it was back to the drawing board. And what a fun drawing board it's been. 

While we still haven't settled on a name, we have narrowed the field to ones we both love and have meaning to us personally, historically, and etymologically. This I know: Little Girl will have a name that she can use to help define or challenge herself and can wear with pride. 

***As an aside, I think it's strange when people refer to their baby by name while s/he is still in utero. It makes me really uncomfortable. Part of it is I think it's important to meet and see the person you're naming before you saddle them with something. This is my quirk, so even if we settle on something (unlikely) before Little Girl arrives it'll stay under wraps. Jason doesn't want unsolicited feedback on names, which I also agree with. ***

More Pregnant than I've Ever Been

Geiser Pollman Park, Baker City, OR
35 weeks and so blessed

Wow, I really haven't documented life lately. I like to think it's because I've been out actively engaging in it, but that wouldn't be entirely true. What I've been doing is trying to put words to all the excitement, fear, and "bigness" (for lack of a better word) of preparing for a child, encountering new physical limitations, and growing in my career. And as stressed and freaked out as I get about it all, I have a constant sense of peace and feel so very blessed.

To date, we have been given boxes of clothes, baby gear, blankets, and books from my cousins whose children are all past toddlerhood. Two of my cousins blessed me with their maternity clothes so I haven't bought anything except for the outfit I'm wearing in the maternity pictures (which isn't maternity and super comfy). Their generosity brings me to tears.

We've had four showers - one in California with the family, one with our West Side friends, one in my hometown with my family and dear friends, and one on the East Side with extended family and friends. Little Girl has been bathed with so many well-wishes and love I get more excited to introduce her to all the people who loved her before she was born every day. Kid's pretty blessed as well.
 

Lovely baby afghan my other mama made Little Girl
Not pictured is the matching hat, which is adorbs

I seem to have hit the stage in pregnancy where everyone expects me to be uncomfortable, grumpy, and ready to be done. I have some discomfort here and there, but mostly I'm just really happy and really excited. Also, I have a work project that needs to be finished before she arrives. I love the picture of Jason and I looking at each other around the tree cause it sums up the last 9 months so well - we're joyfully walking the path before us and enjoying (nearly) every minute of it. (Pregnancy hasn't been a piece of cake, but I know as rough as it's been at times - nausea, sickness, GD scare, constant heartburn, exhaustion, etc - it could have been worse.)

Watching Jason put together the crib (I helped towards the end, which was quite the hoot as I kept losing tools cause I could see them around my belly) and arrange the nursery has been so fun. He picked out her dresser and refinished it. We recently bought a cabinet/hutch combo at Goodwill for $5 he will also be working on. He's been way more industrious than I have and for that I am very grateful. He's an organizing whiz and has come up with some great storage solutions for the nursery/office. Last night Bryan and Crystal came over to help organize and move things around and I am so pleased with the results.

We still need to pack our hospital bag, install the carseat (Jason got the car detailed yesterday which was much needed, but did delay the installation), go on a date, and pack Little Girl's coming home bag, but feel like we're as ready as we're going to be and the rest is just little things. (Besides the carseat, I realize that's a big deal.) 

Grandma and Grandpa will be here next week and I'm so thankful they'll be nearby to help out when Little Girl arrives. Aunt Deb will be visiting the weekend of the estimated due date, so I'm praying Little Girl chooses to arrive then as it would be so special to have my aunt with us. 

So, all in all this whole post could have been summed up like this: I am blessed, I am surrounded by love, and I am humbly accepting this new path we've been set on. Little Girl, we are so excited to meet you!

Quickening

They started as flutters, then became persistent tickles. Now it's a consistent strumming on the inside of my womb. Life. I am amazed and honored every minute of every day by this little miracle.

As I reflect on the past and look forward to the future, I am struck by the responsibility laid at our feet in bringing a child into the world. Children are so precious and their innocence is so quickly lost in this world.

Mary, did you know? As I wonder about who this child will be and as we prepare to become the parents we want to be, I look to the stars and wonder, "Why us?" The timing is God's and I am humbled in that knowledge. It is the time we had dreamed of for years, but had decided not long before those two pink lines appeared that now was not the time for us to grow our family.

Do you wonder, as you watch my face, if a wiser one should have had my place? The Christmas songs play and I'm reminded I am part of a larger story. This child is part of a legacy and I wonder if I am up for the task. Is anyone ever really ready to be a parent?

In a world as cold as stone, must I walk this path alone? Be with me now. This week's tragedies are a glaring reminder of all the evil in the world. Bigger than that, though, is the reminder there is also a lot of good. I so want to instill that in this little being... compassion, goodness, respect and, the greatest of these, love.

Lunchtime Letters

Dear screaming children in Quiznos,

Good thing you're cute.

Love,
Nike

****

Dear Parents of said screaming children,

Thank you for offering me a valuable learning experience through observation. I have learned yelling across the store at my screaming child is productive and giving them a cookie is a great way to make them stop whining.

Love,
Nike

Parenting Practice

The DH and I have been having on and off conversations about our approaches to discipline and parenting methods in general as of late. Even though we don't plan to have little people any sooner than two years from now, it's fun to talk through things that may come up in the future now, while we don't have a screaming child to deal with. I know you can't truly prepare to be a parent - every child is different and you could very well find you're different than you thought you were - but I think having a plan and revising it is better than having no plan at all.

Lucky for us, we have a 3-year-old our friend's let us practice on. (He's everyone's first child as he's currently the only child in the group.) The DH and him have a grand time together - most of it spent trying to get the boy to eat as he's very easily distracted. Last night we had the pleasure of watching him while his parents had a date night and this is what dinner looked like...

PS: DH made the kid's dinner, so his mac and cheese was edible. ;-)