Our Story ~ Letter to Little

Well, now we come to the part of the story I don't know how to tell.  In five, ten, fifteen years my sincerest prayer is that we can point to the altar we built during this time and declare in confidence the LORD brought us through a really dark time and grew us while we were in it. The blessings have outweighed the pain.

Dear Little One,

Sometimes life is more difficult than we let on and in trying to hold our life together by ourselves we cause more hurt and brokenness - to ourselves and sometimes to others. In those broken times our mind wanders and in the worst of times can lead us off the narrow path. 

What I want you to know is you can never stray too far from the power of grace. This is what your papa and I learned this summer. While we can't change what happened and though it may continue to haunt us and those who were hurt, this I know: God will make something from these ashes.  

We need people in our lives. To share our joys and sorrows and to hold us accountable. I hope you always feel the love we have for you and the love of the people who will surround you feel. 

We love you and are so excited to meet you.

Love,
Mama 

***I think I started writing this a year ago, but still didn't know where to go with it. A year later I think this suffices.***

Our Story: Part III

Continuing our story... Read Part 1 and Part II by clicking the links.

That year long engagement was a whirlwind of activity. The prince was involved in every activity from setting the date, picking out the cardstock for the DIY invitations, deciding on the color scheme, and choosing flowers. He even attended a Bridal Expo! The princess knew she was very lucky.

As months turned to weeks and then windled down to days, the two became more committed to one another and more excited about their life together.

The September 8, 2007 wedding was a beautiful evening affair. Amongst candlelight, the two pledged their lives to one another among their dearest family and friends. They committed fidelity through better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health 'til death do them part them "and even then will I love you."

In those early months the princess knew more love and laughter than she ever imagined possible. The two grew together as individuals, as a couple, and in their faith. They truly believed the "honeymoon period" would never end as each day they found themselves more in love than the previous.

****

But, in life, as in fairytales, good things do come to an end, at least for a time. In the fall of 2009, Duke Depression started weaseling his way into their happy home. By the following June it became obvious the princess was not experiencing an unusually long bout of seasonal affect depressive disorder (SADD), but was in "big D depression."  The winter of 2010 was the darkest the two ever went through as the Duke held the princess in his grasp.

The knights and ladies of the Monday Night Posse circled around the two, surrounding them with physical, emotional, and spiritual support. The nearly two years that followed would have been much darker, and maybe had a sadder ending, without them.

While the Duke held the princess captive, the prince set about managing life for the both of them - cleaning the house, making meals, paying the bills - while attending school and working full-time. His caretaking was so appreciated by the princess who considered getting out of bed and going to work a victory.

***

With the loving support of family and friends, counseling, severing unhealthy relationships, and an 18-month dose of Lord Zoloft, the princess began to reclaim her life bit by bit. By April 2012 she could confidently say she felt like herself and she fearlessly kicked the Duke to the curb.  

Reunited, the prince and princess celebrated their victory, became excited about hopes and dreams they thought lost for a time, and looked forward to their brighter future with the same unbridled enthusiasm they had entered their union.

The two didn't realize they were merely in an intermission and a bigger story was still playing out. Soon life would take another unexpected turn.

The Power of Stories: Part I

It's the eve of my fifth anniversary. This Friday, September 7 is so very different than that one in 2007 I remember so fondly. The one where I was surrounded by family and friends, wrapping up wedding details and celebrating another milestone - my Aunt Pam's 50th birthday. Above all, I was looking forward to committing the rest of my life to a man who had so unexpectedly come into my life three years prior and for whom I was so utterly and completely head over heels for.

Five years isn't such an extraordinarly long time in the grand scheme of life, but it is a major milestone. We have endured nearly every aspect of our vows with grace, thanksgiving, and sometimes a lot of self-sacrifice. In this new season of our marriage I can reflect on the day we took our vows with such promise, and a healthy dose of naivete, and recognize a pledge taken in faith sometimes means you're agreeing to stay true through things you couldn't ever have imagined. I think if someone had told me that then instead of a month ago I may have run in the other direction. It is probably for the best we can't see every trial our relationship will face "til death do {us} part."

I am becoming the family storyteller. The keeper of the stories of our family's trials and triumphs. Some of the stories are hard to hear and some are inspiring or just plain silly. I believe it is so important to pass those stories on, even the ugly ones, so the next generation knows they are not alone and others have gone before them and come through stronger. Those are the stories I so desperately need to hear while I am writing this difficult part of my own story. 

There is power and freedom in being an active participant in your story. Sometimes things happen that you would rather not share, but most times those things you don't want to share end up having power over you. When you tell your story you take control of it. The stories of better times hold us together when we're going through the muck and remind us where we've come from and when we reach the other side of it we can point to that time and say, "We did that, we made it."

It's our stories that can bind us or tear us apart. They are also the legacy we leave for the next generation. It doesn't do any good to keep them locked up.

Do It Anyway

Do It Anyway

By Kent M. Keith, popularized by Mother Teresa

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered;

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;

Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;

Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;

Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;

It was never between you and them anyway.

My One Word

February is almost over and today I came across a quote that embodies my one word for 2012: Grace.

Grace is a concept and word I've been thinking about since late December. Words that come to mind when I think of grace are kindness, love, beauty,  forgiveness, charity, mercifulness. These are characteristics I want to build up in my life.

In 2012, I commit:

• To live every moment of every day believing the best instead of the worst.
• To extend compassion when anger rises.
• To be honest and gentle at the same time.
• To remember we all have a story that shapes who we are and why we do what we do.

Run for Sherry: Why We Run

I've been dabbling with running for about three years. Only recently have I felt comfortable saying, "I am a runner." It always felt fraudulent before. One thing I know without a doubt is I am part of the running community. I rejoice with every victory, extend comfort to the broken, and know they would do the same for me.

In the wake of Sherry Arnold's disappearance, the running community has come together in amazing ways. We have lost one of our own; Beth, of Shut Up And Run, has lost her cousin. Sherry went for a run and never came home. It is a runner's worst nightmare and her story has touched thousands worldwide.

On February 11 at 8 am PST, the running world will come together and Run for Sherry. We will run with Sherry's smiling face on a blue bib with a sketch of Montana.

We will run because we have lost one of our own.

We will run with our friends, our family, and solo.

We will dedicate races, trails, and miles to Sherry.

We will run because we know it could just as easily have been us.

We will run because it is when we feel most alive.

We will run because it's the one thing we can do.

We will run to heal. We will run to remember.

We will run so for a moment in time all the bad that has transpired will be replaced with the goodness of humanity - of community.

Will you join us and make the world move?

Word from Japan

We received more news from our cousins in Japan. A word from Erik describing the conditions and specific needs...

Yoko & Erik - May 2007

Thank you for your continued prayers. There are several specific things you could pray for. One is God's peace on us. We continue to experience aftershocks, and some of them have been quite close to where we live. Here is one now! It is just off the coast from us about 50 miles/ 80 kilometers and measuring a 6.0. If you are not familiar with where we are; we are in Narita which is east of Tokyo and west of the coastal city of Choshi. Narita is home to the main international airport for this part of Japan.

Another prayer request is for us to be lights to those around us.

Lastly, please pray for the nation and the monumental task of rebuilding that lies ahead.

The nuclear plants to the north of us continue to fill the news. It appears that they are being honest with the current situation and not trying to down play it. We are a pretty good distance to the south from them, but we are told to be aware of any wind out of the north. They don't want people outside any more than they need to be.

Rolling blackouts have started in order to conserve electricity. We have been told that we would have them each day since Sunday but have not experienced one yet. The latest notice is that we are scheduled to have one tonight. Gasoline is being rationed, some stations are only allowing people to buy 10 liters or about 2.5 gallons at a time. One station near us lets people buy 3,000 yen worth of gas. At 140 yen a liter, you don't get a whole lot.

During they day, we have been hanging out in the "kids' playroom" in our apartment complex. It is on the second floor which doesn't move as much as our 9th floor apartment. Our building has 15 floors, so those at the top must be getting quite a ride.

Jason, Sarah, & Nike at Erik & Yoko's wedding.

Sarah (Erik's sister, our cousin), is doing well. She is planning on visiting us this weekend, but we are not sure if that will still happen or not. Yoko's family is safe, and we have heard from all of them.

Maika (their baby, less than a year) has been great through all of this. Thankfully she does not know what is going on which eliminates any fear she might have.....

My friend, Yoshimi, and her four-year-old left to be with her family in Japan today. The family is home now and are still anticipating her brother's wedding next week. They all could use some happiness in light of the tragedies.

Prayer for Japan

My heart sunk Friday morning when I learned why there were tsunami warnings off the Oregon Coast. My heart immediately thought of  my dear friend, Yo - her family is there and she is scheduled to visit the coming week. No phones, no e-mail. No word.

I thought of Cliff, in Hawai'i, preparing for Yo and E's arrival in a few weeks. Then I remembered Jason's cousins are in various areas of Japan - one now a resident with a beautiful family; the other preparing to come home after a year of teaching.

With the help of Facebook and a large dose of patience we learned Cliff was fine - the roads are another story. The Bentley cousins are all okay, though one cousin's family had to stay in a refuge overnight. Yo's dad called - her family is all alright. Thank God.

Today, as I watched the devastation unfold while in the comfort of my gym on a crisp, spring-like morning, my heart swelled anew. I cannot do all, but I can do something. Lord, show me what is mine to do.

While reading the captions of fearful parents, family who can't find their loved ones, my heart cried...
 

Lord, ease their minds. Comfort the lost, bring peace to the grieving. May this be a time of hope and coming together as a community. May what is best about humanity - our resilience, our compassion - shine during this time of darkness. Lay your hands on the relief workers - give them words of comfort and guide their actions. May the people of Japan feel love and peace at this time of uncertainty.

Legally Blonde, Get Out of My Head

Ever have those days where a line from a movie will play over and over in your head? No? Just me then...

We joined a gym a couple weeks ago - opening day was February 11 - and to say the least, I'm in love. Like, really, it's almost a sickness. I've made friends with the front desk people and a couple of the trainers. (Yep, I'm feeling better - totally going out of my way to learn people's names and make them feel special.) Today I was so chatty Jason literally had to pull on my arm and say, "Nike, we need to get to the east side, we need to go..." But then I had to say good morning to Pam, and then say goodbye to Pam, Stormi, and Don (who I just met today). Needless to say, my feeling better is coming with it's own complications, but they're ones we'd rather have.

Anyway, about the gym. It's a Crunch Gym and their motto is "No Judgments." Love. I've been a member of a gym before and frequented a few others, but I've always felt so out of place, awkward, and inferior to everyone else there. Here I feel like a valuable member of a special group. I see all types at this gym and I frequently want to give them high fives or clap and tell them, "Way to go! You're getting of the couch and doing something good for yourself!" I restrain, cause I'm not sure that would be well received.

Yesterday we took the Tread n' Shed (I insist on calling it the Tread n' Shred class). It was amazing and is going to become part of my interval and hill training. There were two gentlemen to my right who started singing along really loudly to a song I'd never heard and it warmed my heart. I gave everyone in my class a mental high-five cause they worked their booties off and it was not easy.

It's taken a few years, but I've finally found a place in my life and routine for exercise. The strange thing is, I've become a runner and a morning person seemingly overnight. Who saw that coming? Definitely not me.

"I just don't think that Brooke could've done this. Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't." ~ Elle, Legally Blonde 

Off to jump in the icy Deschutes River... what are your weekend plans?

PS: I Love You

While driving back to work on Wednesday after a two hour hiatus, I was thinking about the little things we do for our loved ones that say, "PS: I love you." See, I had just spent two hours at my friends' house because I had a bit of an emotional breakdown at work and needed to leave. I texted both of my girlfriends to ask if someone was home cause I needed to not be at work and they replied, "Yep, come on over."

Once at the house I was still feeling the anxiety and angst of whatever caused the emotional relapse, but we didn't talk about it. My favorite four-year-old kept me distracted, the girls and I visited, the four-year-old and I had lunch together, and then I headed back to work. No one pushed me about what was wrong, no one commented on my fleeing from work in the middle of the day (benefits of having a part-time job). They just let me be.

On the way back I realized that was my friends telling me they love me. They knew I needed an escape and provided a reprieve. I wonder what my life would look like if I was intentional about post scripting every interaction with "I love you." Something small that tells the people around me how much they mean to me.

What are your "PS: I love you"s?

For Love of the Ocean

 I'll be the first to admit I haven't been following the Gulf Coast oil spill as closely as I should. What I can tell you is I haven't been following it closely because the whole situation makes me sick and breaks my heart. The ocean is my happy place. It should not be a kill zone for the wildlife.

Thankfully, my friends over at Craft Hope have come up with a project to help the wildlife affected by the oil spill. If you can knit, crochet, finish edges on rags or buy a couple bottles of Dawn head over here for a chance to do a little good.

Maybe with a little time, effort, and hope we can help clean up this mess.

Things I Keep Meaning to Blog About

1. bell hooks' genius
2. Creating Beloved Community - Roslyn Farrington's lecture
3. Church searching
4. Upcoming events (birthday, graduation, girl day, trip to Denver...)
5. My displeasure with Trimet

Instead, I've been writing papers and getting ready for graduation. Stay tuned!