Grace and Thanksgiving

Now as they were eating, Jesus took bread, and after blessing it broke it and gave it to the disciples, and said, “Take, eat; this is my body.” ²⁷ And he took a cup, and when he had given thanks he gave it to them, saying, “Drink of it, all of you, ²⁸ for this is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins. ~ Matthew 26:26-28, ESV

This morning, while riding MAX, I started reading the book I picked up almost a week ago. Since it is an actual book and not an audiobook it has taken me awhile to get to it. The title, One Thousand Gifts, deals with subject matter I've been especially interested in as of late: grace, living fully and intentionally. How apropos that chapter 2 ("a word to live... and die by") should dovetail so sweetly with these things and also teach me a new word: eucharisteo.

Yes, I am familiar with the term eucharist as it is used in the Catholic Church (which I am not familiar with) as the serving of communion. Ann Voskamp broke the word down into it's Greek origins - root words for grace and thanksgiving sandwiched together - and it made me look at the gospel in a new light. On the night of his betrayal - before he was tortured, crucified, separated from the Father - He gave thanks.

If Christ made it a priority to give thanks before his darkest hour, it behooves me to give thanks in my every day, mundane things. This is the message I will take with me as Semana Santa gives way to the glory of Resurrection Day.

May we all live fully in eucharist, giving thanks for every thing every day and extending grace.

Grace and Strength

In keeping with my current ponderings about grace, strength, light and New Year's resolutions, today I looked up at my calendar and was challenged by this month's verse:

"Be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus." 2 Timothy 2:1

For some reason this hit me really hard this morning. I often think of strength as being overpowering and grace as being gentle. To see those two words side by side, complementing one another, has made my head spin in a way that will require me to sit with it for awhile. Be strong. In grace.

As I continue to reflect on last year and what I want this year to look like I have thought a lot (alot) about the My One Word challenge. While it is spiritual in nature, I think it could be applied secularly as well: How do you want to grow? What kind of person do you want to be by 2012's end? How would implementing one word change your relationships?

Passion... Grace... Intention.... these are words I'm mulling over.

What one word would you choose to guide your actions and what kind of person would that word shape you into?

Timing

I don't believe in coincidences. I don't really believe in fate either. I believe we make our own path and that there is reason and purpose in everything. With that in mind, I am struck by the timing of coming across this song.

Saving Jane has the soundtrack to my life. It's uncanny, really. Girl Next Door describes my inner battle with myself. Autumn and Me always makes me think of my best friend. Most of her songs have an acoustic sound I usually don't like, but I love it when it's Saving Jane. 

For my 99th post I wrote about faith, God, and free will. How fitting I should come across Grace, sung by Saving Jane. This song speaks to where I am right now, where I've been, and I could have written the line "as I fumble with the gift of free will..." 

El Shaddai

A fellow blogger has inspired me to examine some of my thoughts in regards to God, faith, and what it all means to me. This is my reflection.

Religion is not something I have ever acknowledged as part of my life. Sure, I "grew up in the Church." My family has a long-standing faith practice and we observe the Christian calendar. Despite all the outwardly appearances, nothing makes my skin crawl more than being referred to as "religious." 

For me, it has never been about the meal time prayers, church attendance, Bible study groups, or do-gooded-ness that seems to scream "Religious!" for most people. Religion is something you do, but is not something you feel. I have no room in my life for religion.

My "religion" has always been about relationship and my actions pour out from that place - a personal relationship with the Messiah and relationship with humanity. I have shared before that I am finding my way back to that place of peace that I have when I am secure in my relationship with Christ.

When confronted with the possibility that there is not an all-loving god I had a very strong gut reaction. After several classes with Dr. Ben Anderson-Nathe, I have learned to delve into what value system is causing that reaction. So, I explored those feelings...

After a couple days of mulling, I think what I read, "I thoroughly reject any possibility of an all-loving god," and where I went with that, "God is/does not love," was the root of my reaction.

*Warning: I will now dive down a rabbit hole that has little connection, except in my head, to the subject at hand...*

I have a deep appreciation for the Hebrew language, especially the names for God. Jehovah-Shalom, The LORD our peace. Adonai, Lord. Jehovah-Jireh, the Lord will provide. These names hold meaning for me. What I did not find in the list of 60+ names was "God of Love" or "All-loving God."

*Popping back from the rabbit hole now..."

The conclusion I came to is my God is not all-loving. All-loving limits the grace and power I have felt. My God loves, but also extends free-will. Free will is a beautiful, wonderful, and in some ways tragic concept.

God extends free-will to all of humanity. It is because of this gift disaster and tragedy reigns seemingly unchecked. This concept has always made sense to me on a level I can't explain in words. I believe God has a perfect plan for each of us, but we have the choice to lean on Him and be sensitive to direction or try and go it alone. Going it alone has never worked out well for me.

Love, as I define it, would not step in to prevent mistakes. That is part of the tragedy of free-will. Sometimes, in our humanity, we commit heinous acts against our fellow brothers. My heart breaks for every tragedy and hurt I am exposed to - be it mine or someone else's. I believe the Father's heart breaks even more. I don't believe God is powerless to stop it, but to do so would be to forfeit our free-will. A little known (and slightly irritating) band, Lost & Found, has a beautiful song illustrating this conflict... (sorry, I couldn't find audio.)

Ever since you went away, I have been watching night and day. Oh I could have made you stay, but it would not be love that way... You have always been free and always a part of me.What was I supposed to do? I would not put chains on you.

Some see that as weakness. Why not stop all the evil if you have the power to? That time is coming, but it is not now. Now we live in a broken world, but I see the love and grace of the Father in (almost) all of it.

It's in the words of the young mother who came home from delivery empty handed and brokenhearted, but a year into her mourning said, "This I know, God is not in the sky. I have felt Him."

It's in the face of the teen reaching out to help an old man who recently lost his wife. In the smile of strangers. In the hugs of friends. It's in every act of kindness that is poured out when our neighbors near and far suffer.

Most of all, I feel that grace and love in every fiber of my being in those moments I slow down. My life is testament and I need look no further than the people I have been blessed to share this life with to see that love and grace in action.

My God may not be all-loving, but He is El Shaddai, God All-Sufficient.
 

From Where Does My Help Come?

We all have patterns and routines. Some are healthy, some not. I've briefly alluded that my emotions/attitudes are not as they should be as of late. There are some things I need to take care of, but I'm not quite ready to step out and do what I need to do. On the one hand I keep trying to do what I've always done - be strong, ignore it, and take care of everyone else. If I'm honest, I'm the one that needs help now. And that is a really hard thing to admit. Fortunately, I have friends that speak truth into my life.

This weekend we went camping with some of the Monday Night Posse on what was to be a spiritual retreat of sorts. The first night a couple friends talked about some difficult things they are going through, but I couldn't bring myself to participate in any way. 

We were rained out of our campsite on Sunday, but came back together at the house for more campfire and sharing late in the evening after we'd all had time to dry out. Prior to coming back together we were asked to participate in machatino (a Dominican Republic Spanish term I am unfamiliar with and am probably spelling wrong, but means something like "time of reflection" or our Christian-ese "quiet time"). I slept instead. 

About fifteen minutes before we left our house I tried to read the Bible. Something I've been simultaneously been feeling I should do and having a complete disinterest in doing for the last six months. I picked up where I had left off in John after a five minute read in April: 

He came into the very world he created, but the world didn’t recognize him. He came to his own people, and even they rejected him. But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God. They are reborn—not with a physical birth resulting from human passion or plan, but a birth that comes from God. So the Word became human and made his home among us. He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness. (John 1: 10-14, New Living Translation)

"Okay, God, I hear you. I'm not the first or the last to reject you. Thanks for being faithful, but I'm still feeling lost," I thought to myself as I headed out the door.

Most of the Monday Night Posse was at the house, which was nice since not everyone could make the camping trip, and everyone started reflecting on their quiet time. Again, me, completely uninterested and fast approaching, "Don't want to be here" status. 

Leave it to the DH to share what we'd read and then ask me to fill in my thoughts. Which resulted in an immediate, "Oh crap," moment. So, I shared that the last thing I wanted to do lately was pray or read the Bible and that it's been that way for awhile now. They responded with the same grace I've come to anticipate, though never expect.

On Monday the group that went camping hiked up Dog Mountain. It was a gorgeous (the photo above is not one of the most stunning taken, but I don't have access to the others at the moment) and difficult hike and, per usual, I found myself towards the back of the group with our Charming Texan and my friend who likes to take lots pictures while hiking, making us roughly the same speed. 

While we were walking K thanked me for sharing the night before as difficult as it was. She also has been struggling with some life baggage - but is already in the getting help stage - and shared that it's only in the last couple weeks that she felt compelled to pray or read her Bible, but now is starting to feel God talk to her again. She lovingly reminded me that I've been knocked towards the bottom of Maslow's Triangle and right now I need to focus on feeling safe again. "These are the times we don't need to seek God, he'll come to you. Just like in the Garden." (The night before we had talked about how the "God can't be in the presence of sin" is a bit of a misconception. God gave Adam and Eve time to sort out their mess after they did the one thing they were told not to, but then He met them and restored them to His presence.)

I thought about this a bit on the hike and when we hiked out of the forest and saw the meadow and hills covered in wildflowers up to the summit I was reminded of Psalm 121, which I didn't even know I knew... (except in my head it was, "I lift mine eyes to the hills, from whence my help comes.)

 ¹I will lift up my eyes to the mountains;
         From where shall my help come?
    ²My help comes from the LORD,
         Who made heaven and earth.
    ³He will not allow your foot to slip;
         He who keeps you will not slumber.
    ⁴Behold, He who keeps Israel
         Will neither slumber nor sleep.
    ⁵The LORD is your keeper;
         The LORD is your shade on your right hand.
    ⁶The ^(I)sun will not smite you by day,
         Nor the moon by night.
    ⁷The LORD will protect you from all evil;
         He will keep your soul.
    ⁸The LORD will guard your going out and your coming in
         From this time forth and forever. 

I am not restored and I'm not feeling I had some epiphany on the summit. If anything my epiphany was, "Dang, I really should carry my own bag" and, "Why do I let them talk me into this crap?" (Well, not at the summit, but those were my thoughts for the last .4 miles where it was steep and the wind was a beast.)  What I am feeling is encouraged that I'm not alone and no matter how ashamed I am of my feelings or how difficult I'm finding life right now, I have an amazing group of people who love me anyway. The healing will come with time.

Living Life

On Monday nights I gather with several other friends who I am "living life with." We gather to snack, laugh, read the Bible, and talk about what is going on in our lives. The phrase "living life together" was coined in one of our early gatherings as we were expressing how special the group had become to each on of us individually. We joke and have a good time together, but we also lay all our crap on the table. None of us is perfect and we're all trying to find our place in this world - not only as Christians, but as idealistic 20-somethings that want to revolutionize our world. Together we listen and encourage one another as we journey down the path.

Tonight some of the group was missing and we didn't pick up where we left off in the Book of Acts, but we did have one of those really intimate times that I've come to treasure. We began talking about how we did to go through the motions and "do church" without actually expecting to get anything out of it, while at the same time we've limited God's work to Sunday mornings between 10:45 and Noon. One of our girlfriends told a story of how she had a friend who would ask her what God was teaching her every day. Over time she became conditioned to actively look at her life and see where she was growing (or needed improvement). This in turn led to the seven of us who were there this evening sharing what is going on in our lives.

I am horrible at remembering and/or recognizing the work God is doing in my life. I love hearing other people's stories because it reminds me of things I have to be thankful in my own life. Tonight I was reminded that a year ago I was stressed out about possibly not being able to go back to school because Jason was out of work. I had called a friend and asked her to pray with me about this situation and less than fifteen minutes later Jason called and had accepted a temp position that would last part-way through the Winter term. I am now five weeks from graduation and while we're by no means rolling in the dough, we are sustained. It's nice to have people to live life with who remind you of all the ways God is faithful, cause I would have kept rolling through these last few weeks and possibly not even remembered a year ago I didn't think school was going to be an option.

Kol Tzorki

Barukh attah Adonai eloheinu melekh ha-olam, she'asah li kol tzorki.

Maybe for Lent I should learn Hebrew blessings. There's always a focus on giving up something, but another side of Lent is to do something. It's all about re-committing and focusing on Christ and the sacrifice he made.

I love listening to Hebrew and, as Rat from "Pearls Before Swine" says, Yiddish is the best language for insulting people. Not that I would ever do that.

This is a lot of blabber to say simply this: I'm feeling really blessed and taken care of. I was pretty distracted by my fears and short-sightedness the last few days, but as always, the Lord provided and we're going to be okay. Maybe someday I'll learn.