41 and 3

41 weeks and 3 days new.
Same amount of time she was in the womb.

Sometimes I have so many thoughts I can't quite articulate them. Motherhood has definitely been a season of wordlessness for me.

I had (and have) so many fears around motherhood. Sometimes I look at this amazing little person who looks so much like me and so much like her papa and yet is her own self and wonder how I got here. How did I get blessed with this little being who loves life and others so unabashedly? I feel the full weight of the charge to nurture her, guard her heart, and let her be the person she's meant to be and as much as part of me is terrified I'm going to screw it up the other part is amazed at how easy and natural it all is. Parenting is hard, but there is so much joy in it. For some reason I'm surprised by this.

We marked a milestone on March 6: Little Girl has been out of the womb longer than she was in it. She is such a firecracker. Her striving to be independent regularly has me in giggles. She's gearing up to walk and still needs to hold on to things, but she doesn't want to hold our hands. The other day she figured out she can pull herself up on the back of my legs and then walk behind me as I walk around. Ingenius, really.

The words of wisdom I was given regarding parenthood have rung so true: The days are long but the years are short. Every day is new and old, but I don't think anyone will ever be as excited about morning as that sweet munchkin is. Her joy is contagious.

Showers of Blessings

***I realize this is a weird way to come back to blogging - there's about 5-6 months of really fascinating details from my life that needs to be documented, but this is what needs to be proclaimed right now.***

It is not a secret that I struggle with budgeting. I believe I've mentioned it a time or two in "year in review" and "about me" posts. It's something I know the value and importance of but have never succeeded in putting to practice. Several things have happened in the last couple months that brought to mind the parable of the talents.

A couple months ago, our dear friends invited us to live in their finished basement and we moved in the beginning of last month. This is a tremendous opportunity for us to focus on paying down our debts and build up a nest egg. 

We want to make the most of this time we have, so a couple weeks ago we sat down and focused on our budget and debt snowball. We were encouraged to see we could be debt-free (with the exception of a student loan we're still trying to get all the details about) by August 2016.

We then opened the first of what we thought was a medical bill. Inside was a reimbursement check for an overpayment I had made. The check was for $1.24 more than an unanticipated dental bill Jason had received a call about the day before. We had been budgeting for 5 minutes and were already winning!

The following week I had my annual review at work, where I received a 5% wage increase that will be retroactive to August 24, which is my hire anniversary. When I came home, there was an envelope holding another unexpected check for our refundable apartment deposit. (I have lived in several apartments and have never received my deposit back, no matter how spotless I have left the unit, so this was incredibly surprising.) Suddenly, we were ahead of the game.

I want to build an altar here in this place of how God is providing for us. We recognize the blessings that have come our way and we want to be good stewards of the resources we have been entrusted with. For the first time in a very long time we are caught up on all our bills, can put extra towards our debts, have made tithing a priority and don't feel like we're suffocating. We're still far from being debt-free, but in light of last week's events our debt free date has moved up to January 2016 (with the same caveat as above) and suddenly doesn't seem so unattainable.

More Pregnant than I've Ever Been

Geiser Pollman Park, Baker City, OR
35 weeks and so blessed

Wow, I really haven't documented life lately. I like to think it's because I've been out actively engaging in it, but that wouldn't be entirely true. What I've been doing is trying to put words to all the excitement, fear, and "bigness" (for lack of a better word) of preparing for a child, encountering new physical limitations, and growing in my career. And as stressed and freaked out as I get about it all, I have a constant sense of peace and feel so very blessed.

To date, we have been given boxes of clothes, baby gear, blankets, and books from my cousins whose children are all past toddlerhood. Two of my cousins blessed me with their maternity clothes so I haven't bought anything except for the outfit I'm wearing in the maternity pictures (which isn't maternity and super comfy). Their generosity brings me to tears.

We've had four showers - one in California with the family, one with our West Side friends, one in my hometown with my family and dear friends, and one on the East Side with extended family and friends. Little Girl has been bathed with so many well-wishes and love I get more excited to introduce her to all the people who loved her before she was born every day. Kid's pretty blessed as well.
 

Lovely baby afghan my other mama made Little Girl
Not pictured is the matching hat, which is adorbs

I seem to have hit the stage in pregnancy where everyone expects me to be uncomfortable, grumpy, and ready to be done. I have some discomfort here and there, but mostly I'm just really happy and really excited. Also, I have a work project that needs to be finished before she arrives. I love the picture of Jason and I looking at each other around the tree cause it sums up the last 9 months so well - we're joyfully walking the path before us and enjoying (nearly) every minute of it. (Pregnancy hasn't been a piece of cake, but I know as rough as it's been at times - nausea, sickness, GD scare, constant heartburn, exhaustion, etc - it could have been worse.)

Watching Jason put together the crib (I helped towards the end, which was quite the hoot as I kept losing tools cause I could see them around my belly) and arrange the nursery has been so fun. He picked out her dresser and refinished it. We recently bought a cabinet/hutch combo at Goodwill for $5 he will also be working on. He's been way more industrious than I have and for that I am very grateful. He's an organizing whiz and has come up with some great storage solutions for the nursery/office. Last night Bryan and Crystal came over to help organize and move things around and I am so pleased with the results.

We still need to pack our hospital bag, install the carseat (Jason got the car detailed yesterday which was much needed, but did delay the installation), go on a date, and pack Little Girl's coming home bag, but feel like we're as ready as we're going to be and the rest is just little things. (Besides the carseat, I realize that's a big deal.) 

Grandma and Grandpa will be here next week and I'm so thankful they'll be nearby to help out when Little Girl arrives. Aunt Deb will be visiting the weekend of the estimated due date, so I'm praying Little Girl chooses to arrive then as it would be so special to have my aunt with us. 

So, all in all this whole post could have been summed up like this: I am blessed, I am surrounded by love, and I am humbly accepting this new path we've been set on. Little Girl, we are so excited to meet you!

2012: But for the Grace of God go I

The sun is setting on another year. The air has turned a bitter cold and as I breathe it in I reflect back on what 2012 brought and taught me. It was a strange year that will reverberate through and color the rest of my life. Fortunately, the heartbreak and joy balance eachother out nicely.

2012: The Survey

Was 2012 good for you? This year was challenging, humbling, and full of growth. Those things aren't bad, just uncomfortable. 

What was your favorite moment of the year? This year my favorite moment was sitting in an ultrasound room with my husband listening to our baby's heartbeat for the first time. I wish you could bottle up those emotions and relive them every day. There is nothing like the sound of a miracle.

What was your worst moment of the year? The single worst moment was learning I'd been lied to by the one person I trust unconditionally. The fall out from that was pretty hairy as well.

Where were you when 2012 began? I don't remember and there are no pictures to document the occasion... Oh wait. I spent all of December 30 in Bend doing the Ale Trail. December 31 we were recovering and Jason and I drove home. I remember driving home, it's entirely possible I stayed home and slept once we got there.

Who were you with? I'm sure Jason and the cats were home.


Did you keep your new years resolution of 2012? In 2012, I committed to the My One Word challenge. My word was grace and I can say in confidence that choosing to respond in grace and hold myself to a standard of grace has positively affected every area of my life.

Where were you when 2012 ended? At the Higley house with Higley parents, Josh, Laura, Palke, and Jason. We watched Season 7 How I Met Your Mother episodes 2-10. 


July 2012 - Dinner at Elmers on the
way home from Cousin Palooza 2012.

Do you have a new year's resolution for 2013? I will continue with the One Word challenge, though I am not sure what this year's word will be yet. Humbleness, consciousness, and hope are all words I'm tossing around right now.
 
Did you fall in love in 2012? Yes, and I learned to choose love even when it's really, really hard.
Did you make any new friends in 2012? Met some new runners and friends of friends.



This was the best picture from the race. Leslie is terrified of
mascots and finds Stitch particularly frightening.
So awesome.

 What was your favorite month of 2012? February.

Why this month? In February my best friend and I took a girls' trip to Orlando, stayed at a DisneyWorld resort, ran the Disney Princess 1/2 Marathon (my first) and visited Harry Potter World. So much was packed into five days and every day of it was awesome.


Did you travel outside of the country in 2012? Well, 2012 was NOT the year I actually went to Canada. Seriously, I will renew my passport. I was just thinking about this earlier today, but I have fatty pregnant face right now and I'm not thrilled with the idea of renewing my passport whilst 5 months pregnant.

Preparing for Turtle Shell 2 Epic Relay activation and reuniting
with Kisha after she spent a year in the Dominican Republic.

How many different places did you travel to in 2012? Roseburg, Epic Oregon Relay (Tigard to Eugene), up and down the northern Oregon Coast, and Orlando.


Did you miss anybody in the past year? I got pretty anxious for my grandparents to come back north and started missing the Johnstons dreadfully mid-winter. Fortunately everyone was back home by June.


What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2012? "Brave" and "Les Miserables" are the only movies I remember watching in 2012 (Les Mis just made the cutoff with a New Year's Eve 7 pm showing). I preferred Les Mis to Brave.

What was your favorite song from 2012? "Blessings" by Laura Story
How many concerts or plays did you see in 2012? Zack Freiwald down at Earth & Vine in Baker City.


Did you have a favorite concert in 2012? Voices of Hope concert at Living Savior Lutheran. We weren't singing this year, but it's always so great to hear them sing.


What was your favorite book(s) in 2012? Unladylike: Resisting the Injustice of Inequality in the Church by Pam Hogeweide and Kisses from Katie by Katie Davis made the biggest impact on my life. Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me (And Other Concerns) by Mindy Kaling had me in stiches an entire weekend.

Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? Nope.

Dad, Mama, Ryan, Steph, and Judah Bentley came to visit!
August 2012 - Bob's Red Mill

What was the biggest lie you told in 2012? "We're great."

Did you treat somebody badly in 2012? I had some moments with my husband I could have shown more grace. Sometimes grace is really, really hard.

Happy, tired Finishers!
Disney Princess 1/2 Marthon
Disney World, Orlando

Did somebody treat you badly in 2012? The bad behavior was not directed at me, but it definitely had lasting consequences that affected/are affecting me.

What was your proudest moment of 2012? Finishing the Disney Princess 1/2 marathon.

What was your most embarrassing moment of 2012? The first time I threw up at work from pregnancy induced nausea. It didn't get less embarrassing, but we all kinda accepted that was going to be the routine for awhile.

Katie's (pregnant lady in denim skirt) baby shower fun!
Looking forward to three more of these in 2013.

If you could go back to any moment of 2012 and change something, what would it be? My response on May 15, though part of me is glad things played out the way they did cause it could have been worse.

Where did you work in 2012? AMC Foundation

Favorite TV shows(s) of 2012? Once Upon a Time and we've gotten into Burn Notice

Favorite Band(s) of 2012? The Band Perry and ABBA

Favorite Food in 2012? Mashed potatoes and cantaloupe

 

Butterbeer at Three Broomsticks
Harry Potter World, Universal

 Favorite Drink in 2012? Butterbeer

Favorite Place in 2012? German and Norway Pavilions at Epcot

Favorite person(s) to be with in 2012? Leslie, Dez, Heather, and Crystal

Favorite person(s) to talk to in 2012? Aunt Deb, Bobby, Grandma+pa

Favorite trip in 2012? Orlando trip with Leslie. Bonneville Dam Hot Springs for my birthday is a close second.

Favorite stores in 2012? I really didn't do much shopping this year... Cottonbabies and Amazon got most of my spending money.


Hardest thing you had to go through in 2012? Rebuilding my marriage.


Most exciting moment(s) in 2012? Running the 1/2 Marathon at Disney World/Epcot. Crystal's pregnancy. Ethan's birth. Going off the antidepressant medication. Spending a week with the Bentley Family. Laura's pregnancy. My own pregnancy and learning we're having a little girl (totally won the lottery on that one). Planning a trip to San Diego.



Funniest moment(s) in 2012? Laughing while our doctor friend was doing an ultrasound. Now every time I laugh I picture what happens to the baby and that makes me laugh harder.



The day we found out we were having a girl. You can't tell,

but we were totally in shock and still absorbing the news.

2013 will bring the first Bentley grandgirl!



May 2013 bring you much joy, peace and happiness.

Go make your dreams come true!

Quickening

They started as flutters, then became persistent tickles. Now it's a consistent strumming on the inside of my womb. Life. I am amazed and honored every minute of every day by this little miracle.

As I reflect on the past and look forward to the future, I am struck by the responsibility laid at our feet in bringing a child into the world. Children are so precious and their innocence is so quickly lost in this world.

Mary, did you know? As I wonder about who this child will be and as we prepare to become the parents we want to be, I look to the stars and wonder, "Why us?" The timing is God's and I am humbled in that knowledge. It is the time we had dreamed of for years, but had decided not long before those two pink lines appeared that now was not the time for us to grow our family.

Do you wonder, as you watch my face, if a wiser one should have had my place? The Christmas songs play and I'm reminded I am part of a larger story. This child is part of a legacy and I wonder if I am up for the task. Is anyone ever really ready to be a parent?

In a world as cold as stone, must I walk this path alone? Be with me now. This week's tragedies are a glaring reminder of all the evil in the world. Bigger than that, though, is the reminder there is also a lot of good. I so want to instill that in this little being... compassion, goodness, respect and, the greatest of these, love.

Help Me: A Thanksgiving Prayer

Thanksgiving (and my husband's birthday) is a mere six days away. As I entered into this month of Thanksgiving, and especially as I prepare for the culmination through next week, I can't shake the conviction that my life was meant for more than what I offer up.

I cannot read my Bible, attend church services, and send up the occasional prayer and be comfortable that this is all God asks of me. Because in reading, listening, and praying it is glaringly obvious that I am called to be the hands and feet of Christ and I am not doing it. And, today at least, I am very frustrated and feel very alone in my conviction that the Body of Christ has grown disgustingly complacent. How timely our President/CEO sent out his weekly update today with this simple prayer that cuts straight to the heart of my inner struggle.

O God, when I have food,

help me to remember the hungry;

When I have work,

help me to remember the jobless;

When I have a home,

help me to remember those who have no home at all;

When I am without pain,

help me to remember those who suffer,

And remembering,

help me to destroy my complacency;

bestir my compassion,

and be concerned enough to help;

By word and deed,

those who cry out for what we take for granted.

Amen.

-Samuel F. Pugh

Blessings

What if my greatest disappointment is Your mercy in disguise?

Winter Reflections

Look not mournfully into the past.

It comes not back again.

Wisely improve the present.

It is thine.

Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear. 

~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow ~

The red, gold, green, and white has come out of their boxes. Christmas music has been my companion for three weeks and the chill is in the air. Amidst the joyous chaos that is the holiday season, I find myself reflecting more and more on this last year and all the changes in store for us in the coming year. As a culture, we tend to think of January 1 as a clean slate, though it's not really true: it's merely a continuation of whatever we set in motion the year before.

Two years have passed since I had my meltdown. A year ago I was a barely functioning exoskeleton. The contrast between this year and last at this time is stark and beautiful. I am overwhelmed by the love and encouragement I received from those dearest to me and my heart overpours with gratitude for those who came alongside us and helped bear the load - emotionally, physically, and financially. I am so blessed. We are so blessed.

I feel such hope for the next year. More intense than the hope I felt while surrounded by the Monday Night Posse on New Year's Eve and more real. Does that even make sense? I'm not paralyzed by fear - I'm excited!

As we spend time with our family and friends in the coming weeks, sharing meals, exchanging gifts, playing games, and generally enjoying each other's company I want to have in the forefront of my mind the central purpose of the holiday I celebrate - the simple, beautiful gift that was given to mankind - and the gift I was given this year that will not end when the clock strikes Midnight on January 1.

 

Reflecting on Blessings

"What if you woke up today with ONLY the things you thanked God for yesterday?"

Miss Jordan at Southern Hospitality  posed this question at the end of her post recently and it struck a chord with me. After a particularly rough counseling session yesterday, followed by a delightful time with my abuelos and my aunt, the timing couldn't have been more perfect to give me a moment to reflect. 

The last couple of years haven't been a picnic. The last couple weeks have been especially draining emotionally and mentally. But in the midst of those ups and downs I have learned to focus on the blessings in my life. They are many...

A husband who always has my best interest at heart, laughs and cries with me, and is my best friend. A family that is only a phone call away. Friends who will drop everything to help me out. Two kitties who bring endless amusement into our home. Legs that can carry me from place to place. An inquisitive mind. Food in my cupboards, fresh veggies and fruit in my fridge. A soft bed to sleep in. Friendly neighbors. A God who justified me before I was born and has since covered me with a grace I cannot comprehend.

If those were the only things I woke up with tomorrow, I will still consider myself blessed beyond measure.

 

PS: I Love You

While driving back to work on Wednesday after a two hour hiatus, I was thinking about the little things we do for our loved ones that say, "PS: I love you." See, I had just spent two hours at my friends' house because I had a bit of an emotional breakdown at work and needed to leave. I texted both of my girlfriends to ask if someone was home cause I needed to not be at work and they replied, "Yep, come on over."

Once at the house I was still feeling the anxiety and angst of whatever caused the emotional relapse, but we didn't talk about it. My favorite four-year-old kept me distracted, the girls and I visited, the four-year-old and I had lunch together, and then I headed back to work. No one pushed me about what was wrong, no one commented on my fleeing from work in the middle of the day (benefits of having a part-time job). They just let me be.

On the way back I realized that was my friends telling me they love me. They knew I needed an escape and provided a reprieve. I wonder what my life would look like if I was intentional about post scripting every interaction with "I love you." Something small that tells the people around me how much they mean to me.

What are your "PS: I love you"s?

Thankful Thursday

I decided to try a new meme today with inspiration from Yummy Mummy's branching out and Akal Ranch supplying the idea for Thankful Thursday. 

"Gratitude creates its own attitude..."

I am so thankful for family. I spent the weekend with my grandparents and they told me several things that I have been replaying in my mind all week:  

Nike, you have a husband that stands by you and a strong marriage... You have grandparents that adore you. Your daddy loves you. You have an amazing group of friends.  

Sometimes I need my family to speak my life truths back to me and I know when all else fails, I can count on them. They are such a blessing.

Likewise, I am thankful for friends. I am guilty of taking them for granted and am trying to consciously counteract that. We believe what we have is normal, but I have been reminded several times lately - most recently last night - how rare it is to have friends from childhood well into adulthood. I count those friendships among my greatest treasures. The relationship dynamics may change as time goes on, but the relationships are still precious and worthy of care. 

Dove Wisdom

"Walk with a light step and a light heart." 

Who knew I would get the encouragement I needed today from a piece of dark chocolate my boss gave me weeks ago? I love those little moments a friend once described as "God winks": those moments when you feel at peace and reminded of your purpose.

See, I haven't been walking with such a light heart - or step if I'm completely honest - and it's been both frustrating and depressing. April and May are notoriously difficult months for me to get through for reasons I understand and ones I have yet to identify. 

I need to choose joy. Forgiveness. Light. Recite my personal mission statement and bring it back to the forefront of my life.

I need purpose and direction to feel content and lately I've been rolling with the punches with no real direction. I also need to remember to live in the present, not the past. Dream and plan for the future, but enjoy the here and now. Now is all we're promised after all.  

Things I Take Joy In

People are emotional beings. Some of us more than others. Me more than most. The first couple weeks of May have become rather stressful for me the last couple years as they now mark the anniversary of a horrific point in my life. In an effort to cheer myself up, I have been looking at old pictures and making a list of things that make me happy. Enjoy.


1.Ice cream. Especially with good friends in a foreign country.

2. My sister. She's a good kid and always makes me laugh.

3. My daddy. He's my hero.

4. Traveling and getting to kiss historic sculptures. (Parque Guille)
5. Phillip's Lake - I have many fond memories on this bank made with friends and family alike.

6. Pineapple drinks the size of my head in Mexico definitely make me happy.
7. Being married to the greatest man.
8. Cute Christmas ornaments. And Christmas. And holidays in general
9. Gus & Claire (though Gus is more photogenic)
10. Warm beaches
11. Sunsets.
12. My brother (whom I have posted more than enough pictures of)
13. My friends
14. My nephews
15. Reading
16. Nature
17. Hot baths
18. A rousing game of Canasta
19. Worship music
20. Cuddling

I have a lot to be thankful and there's still a lot of good in the world. Those are the things I should spend more time focusing on.

Claiming the Promise

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. - Psalm 91:1

Sometimes there is bad news after the good. And sometimes life is a little scary. I've just been reminded that sometimes life is cut short. Is it wrong to be thankful that it passed over this time, even though my blessing is someone else's heartbreak?

Kol Tzorki

Barukh attah Adonai eloheinu melekh ha-olam, she'asah li kol tzorki.

Maybe for Lent I should learn Hebrew blessings. There's always a focus on giving up something, but another side of Lent is to do something. It's all about re-committing and focusing on Christ and the sacrifice he made.

I love listening to Hebrew and, as Rat from "Pearls Before Swine" says, Yiddish is the best language for insulting people. Not that I would ever do that.

This is a lot of blabber to say simply this: I'm feeling really blessed and taken care of. I was pretty distracted by my fears and short-sightedness the last few days, but as always, the Lord provided and we're going to be okay. Maybe someday I'll learn.

So long 2008...

I'm 35 minutes from the end of the first day of the New Year. As I sit here, a little cold as my parents keep their house pretty cool and my hot cocoa has chilled, I can't help but look back on the last year. If I were to sum up this year, it would simply be, "The Lord will provide." Every time I have felt things slipping beyond my control this last year a "God wink" followed shortly after I'd reached the end of the proverbial rope. This is my tribute to those moments lest I forget them.

In May/June, Jason's temp job in Beaverton ended and I was making plans to go back to school full-time, which would mean working 3/4-time or less. I was stressing between the "I really need to do this" and the "We really can't afford for me to do this" and had no sooner typed out all my fears and frustrations to a friend than Jason called and said he'd been offered a 6-month temp job in downtown. It was so humbling and even now I tear up at the memory, because though 6-months is not a permanent job, it was enough to provide for us for one term. I registered for classes believing "The Lord will provide" and we'd plan our next step in November. (The job has gone longer than anticipated, which has been a blessing as well, though Jason is still seeking permanent employment. At this time, a temp job is better than no job.)

Also in May, we had a moving fiasco when the place we were moving into didn't accept cats (despite all the conversations we'd had about our two cats) and we had to be out of our apartment the next day. Our new friends invited us to live with them until we figure things out. Our friendship grew over that four month time and I continually thank God for bringing such selfless people into our lives.

August brought plans for Fall Quarter, but I had to look for a new job as my employer was not school-friendly. I applied for one job, attended two interviews a week apart, and was hired for a part-time position with benefits not too from where we were living, nor from where we planned to move. If only job-hunting was always that easy!

In October we moved into a wonderful townhouse that accepted our two crazy kitties. We looked at it a few times before submitting our application. The rent kept dropping until finally we said, "This is where we should be." The townhouse is conveniently located to a couple bus lines, a MAX park and ride, our church, and my office, but is relatively quiet and secluded. It's our first real "home" together and we're loving it.

2008 had it's ups and downs, but God provided and I learned to be more trusting. It is my prayer that 2009 teaches me to stay in that place of quiet expectation and know that my needs will not go unmet, I just need to have patience.

Joy

Joy. A simple word encompassing a range of emotion. Songs have been sung about it, books written on how to achieve it, and an entire season dedicated to it, but what is it?

My life has been marked, not unlike everyone else's, with times of pain and frustration, but I have also been incredibly blessed in life. I have walked down roads that were filled with laughter and light heartedness. It is most often during those times that I see why I had to walk down the rough road to get to the smooth one. The rough roads are times of refinement and personal growth; the smooth ones times of reflection. I want to remember what I learn during those times of reflection and hold on to the joy I feel when the burden is light, because that is what holds me when life takes a curveball.

As I stare at this picture that was my desktop background for so many months I can't help but wonder if joy isn't so much an emotion as it is a state of being. And I want to be more like that elephant.