2012: But for the Grace of God go I

The sun is setting on another year. The air has turned a bitter cold and as I breathe it in I reflect back on what 2012 brought and taught me. It was a strange year that will reverberate through and color the rest of my life. Fortunately, the heartbreak and joy balance eachother out nicely.

2012: The Survey

Was 2012 good for you? This year was challenging, humbling, and full of growth. Those things aren't bad, just uncomfortable. 

What was your favorite moment of the year? This year my favorite moment was sitting in an ultrasound room with my husband listening to our baby's heartbeat for the first time. I wish you could bottle up those emotions and relive them every day. There is nothing like the sound of a miracle.

What was your worst moment of the year? The single worst moment was learning I'd been lied to by the one person I trust unconditionally. The fall out from that was pretty hairy as well.

Where were you when 2012 began? I don't remember and there are no pictures to document the occasion... Oh wait. I spent all of December 30 in Bend doing the Ale Trail. December 31 we were recovering and Jason and I drove home. I remember driving home, it's entirely possible I stayed home and slept once we got there.

Who were you with? I'm sure Jason and the cats were home.


Did you keep your new years resolution of 2012? In 2012, I committed to the My One Word challenge. My word was grace and I can say in confidence that choosing to respond in grace and hold myself to a standard of grace has positively affected every area of my life.

Where were you when 2012 ended? At the Higley house with Higley parents, Josh, Laura, Palke, and Jason. We watched Season 7 How I Met Your Mother episodes 2-10. 


July 2012 - Dinner at Elmers on the
way home from Cousin Palooza 2012.

Do you have a new year's resolution for 2013? I will continue with the One Word challenge, though I am not sure what this year's word will be yet. Humbleness, consciousness, and hope are all words I'm tossing around right now.
 
Did you fall in love in 2012? Yes, and I learned to choose love even when it's really, really hard.
Did you make any new friends in 2012? Met some new runners and friends of friends.



This was the best picture from the race. Leslie is terrified of
mascots and finds Stitch particularly frightening.
So awesome.

 What was your favorite month of 2012? February.

Why this month? In February my best friend and I took a girls' trip to Orlando, stayed at a DisneyWorld resort, ran the Disney Princess 1/2 Marathon (my first) and visited Harry Potter World. So much was packed into five days and every day of it was awesome.


Did you travel outside of the country in 2012? Well, 2012 was NOT the year I actually went to Canada. Seriously, I will renew my passport. I was just thinking about this earlier today, but I have fatty pregnant face right now and I'm not thrilled with the idea of renewing my passport whilst 5 months pregnant.

Preparing for Turtle Shell 2 Epic Relay activation and reuniting
with Kisha after she spent a year in the Dominican Republic.

How many different places did you travel to in 2012? Roseburg, Epic Oregon Relay (Tigard to Eugene), up and down the northern Oregon Coast, and Orlando.


Did you miss anybody in the past year? I got pretty anxious for my grandparents to come back north and started missing the Johnstons dreadfully mid-winter. Fortunately everyone was back home by June.


What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2012? "Brave" and "Les Miserables" are the only movies I remember watching in 2012 (Les Mis just made the cutoff with a New Year's Eve 7 pm showing). I preferred Les Mis to Brave.

What was your favorite song from 2012? "Blessings" by Laura Story
How many concerts or plays did you see in 2012? Zack Freiwald down at Earth & Vine in Baker City.


Did you have a favorite concert in 2012? Voices of Hope concert at Living Savior Lutheran. We weren't singing this year, but it's always so great to hear them sing.


What was your favorite book(s) in 2012? Unladylike: Resisting the Injustice of Inequality in the Church by Pam Hogeweide and Kisses from Katie by Katie Davis made the biggest impact on my life. Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me (And Other Concerns) by Mindy Kaling had me in stiches an entire weekend.

Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? Nope.

Dad, Mama, Ryan, Steph, and Judah Bentley came to visit!
August 2012 - Bob's Red Mill

What was the biggest lie you told in 2012? "We're great."

Did you treat somebody badly in 2012? I had some moments with my husband I could have shown more grace. Sometimes grace is really, really hard.

Happy, tired Finishers!
Disney Princess 1/2 Marthon
Disney World, Orlando

Did somebody treat you badly in 2012? The bad behavior was not directed at me, but it definitely had lasting consequences that affected/are affecting me.

What was your proudest moment of 2012? Finishing the Disney Princess 1/2 marathon.

What was your most embarrassing moment of 2012? The first time I threw up at work from pregnancy induced nausea. It didn't get less embarrassing, but we all kinda accepted that was going to be the routine for awhile.

Katie's (pregnant lady in denim skirt) baby shower fun!
Looking forward to three more of these in 2013.

If you could go back to any moment of 2012 and change something, what would it be? My response on May 15, though part of me is glad things played out the way they did cause it could have been worse.

Where did you work in 2012? AMC Foundation

Favorite TV shows(s) of 2012? Once Upon a Time and we've gotten into Burn Notice

Favorite Band(s) of 2012? The Band Perry and ABBA

Favorite Food in 2012? Mashed potatoes and cantaloupe

 

Butterbeer at Three Broomsticks
Harry Potter World, Universal

 Favorite Drink in 2012? Butterbeer

Favorite Place in 2012? German and Norway Pavilions at Epcot

Favorite person(s) to be with in 2012? Leslie, Dez, Heather, and Crystal

Favorite person(s) to talk to in 2012? Aunt Deb, Bobby, Grandma+pa

Favorite trip in 2012? Orlando trip with Leslie. Bonneville Dam Hot Springs for my birthday is a close second.

Favorite stores in 2012? I really didn't do much shopping this year... Cottonbabies and Amazon got most of my spending money.


Hardest thing you had to go through in 2012? Rebuilding my marriage.


Most exciting moment(s) in 2012? Running the 1/2 Marathon at Disney World/Epcot. Crystal's pregnancy. Ethan's birth. Going off the antidepressant medication. Spending a week with the Bentley Family. Laura's pregnancy. My own pregnancy and learning we're having a little girl (totally won the lottery on that one). Planning a trip to San Diego.



Funniest moment(s) in 2012? Laughing while our doctor friend was doing an ultrasound. Now every time I laugh I picture what happens to the baby and that makes me laugh harder.



The day we found out we were having a girl. You can't tell,

but we were totally in shock and still absorbing the news.

2013 will bring the first Bentley grandgirl!



May 2013 bring you much joy, peace and happiness.

Go make your dreams come true!

Quickening

They started as flutters, then became persistent tickles. Now it's a consistent strumming on the inside of my womb. Life. I am amazed and honored every minute of every day by this little miracle.

As I reflect on the past and look forward to the future, I am struck by the responsibility laid at our feet in bringing a child into the world. Children are so precious and their innocence is so quickly lost in this world.

Mary, did you know? As I wonder about who this child will be and as we prepare to become the parents we want to be, I look to the stars and wonder, "Why us?" The timing is God's and I am humbled in that knowledge. It is the time we had dreamed of for years, but had decided not long before those two pink lines appeared that now was not the time for us to grow our family.

Do you wonder, as you watch my face, if a wiser one should have had my place? The Christmas songs play and I'm reminded I am part of a larger story. This child is part of a legacy and I wonder if I am up for the task. Is anyone ever really ready to be a parent?

In a world as cold as stone, must I walk this path alone? Be with me now. This week's tragedies are a glaring reminder of all the evil in the world. Bigger than that, though, is the reminder there is also a lot of good. I so want to instill that in this little being... compassion, goodness, respect and, the greatest of these, love.

Help Me: A Thanksgiving Prayer

Thanksgiving (and my husband's birthday) is a mere six days away. As I entered into this month of Thanksgiving, and especially as I prepare for the culmination through next week, I can't shake the conviction that my life was meant for more than what I offer up.

I cannot read my Bible, attend church services, and send up the occasional prayer and be comfortable that this is all God asks of me. Because in reading, listening, and praying it is glaringly obvious that I am called to be the hands and feet of Christ and I am not doing it. And, today at least, I am very frustrated and feel very alone in my conviction that the Body of Christ has grown disgustingly complacent. How timely our President/CEO sent out his weekly update today with this simple prayer that cuts straight to the heart of my inner struggle.

O God, when I have food,

help me to remember the hungry;

When I have work,

help me to remember the jobless;

When I have a home,

help me to remember those who have no home at all;

When I am without pain,

help me to remember those who suffer,

And remembering,

help me to destroy my complacency;

bestir my compassion,

and be concerned enough to help;

By word and deed,

those who cry out for what we take for granted.

Amen.

-Samuel F. Pugh

30 Things you probably didn't need to know

*30 Things*

Rumor has it this is going around Pinterest and since I think a little self-reflection is in order this week, here goes...

I. List 20 random facts about yourself.

1. I am named for the Greek goddesses of victory and wisdom
2. I wanted to decorate with owls before it was trendy
3. I have only dated two people and I married the second
4. I am the same height I was at 13
5. For a short period of my childhood I had naturally red hair and I'm pretty sad it didn't stick around
6. I have been in 22 US states
7. I studied in Alicante, Spain for four and a half months - that wasn't long enough to become fluent in Spanish
8. I have travelled to Mexico about 5 times, but have never been to Canada, which is significantly closer to me.
9. I could live on sushi and mashed potatoes
10. No matter how I have them, I cannot bring myself to enjoy onions of any persuasion (though I agree green onions are less offensive than red)
11. My family has roots in the South, though no one in the last three generations has lived there, and that's why I'm so sweet. (I love collared greens, grits, real sweet tea, red beans and rice, and hush puppies.)
12. Though I lived in Illinois for nine months, my permanent residence has only ever been in Oregon.
13. I took my driver's test in a 5-speed manual transmission in three feet of snow, and passed, so I get irrationally frustrated with people who can't drive in a dusting of snow.
14. I had short stories and poems published in Highlight and a Highlight-like magazine by age 9
15. I only lived completely on my own (without a roommate) for the two months between my roommate getting married and my own wedding.
16. I presently struggle with budgeting; I'm really bad at being poor.
17. Childbirth has never been something I've feared.
18. There was a time I really thought I'd be a big time AP journalist in Washington, DC.
19. Lime green and dark purple is still one of my favorite color combinations.
20. Most people don't realize how bossy I am.

II. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

1. Abandonment - yeah, that happened
2. Rattlesnakes - they may have rattles, but they're surprisingly sneaky buggers
3. Dying in a car wreck - I'm not sure what triggered it, and I don't know if it can be described as a fear as I've accepted it as my fate, but for the last ten years I've come to the conclusion that is how I'm going to die. (Not to go all morbid on you or anything.)

III. Describe your relationship with your parents.
      My dad is my best friend and I have chosen not to have a relationship with my mother.

IV. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.

1. Seriously, learn how to study for math and science. You're good at it, but at some point it's going to get more difficult and you need to be prepared.
2. Trust your gut, most of the things you wonder about in your journal come to fruition.
3. Save half of every paycheck and listen to what Mrs. Ott is telling you in economics.
4. You really do love him, but he is going to break your heart in a very real way and there are pieces you're never going to get back. First cut is the deepest and all that.
5. Don't buy the ballgown for winter semi-formal. You are going to stand out like a sore thumb and your pictures look weird. It will be another six years before you learn what "semi-formal" and "cocktail attire" mean, so trust me on this one.
6. You're going to end your relationship with your mother in nine years. I realize this won't come as a surprise, so go ahead and save your adult self some trauma and just say the things you're thinking and feeling now. Those things you hope change? They don't, they get worse and you get very, very broken.
7. Don't be so afraid to forge your own path. You're made of tough stuff.
8. There is a difference between fact and propaganda. Democrats aren't evil and God isn't Republican. To read some of the things you thought and believed at sixteen kills my soul a little now.
9. Exercise is really important.
10. You're going to be okay. Really.

V. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?

1. The fall colors when the sun shines through them.
2. Comfy bed.
3. All the pregnant people in my life.
4. That Jason and I can do the hard things.
5. Thanksgiving is less than a month away.

VI. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

• Clinical Depression.

VII. What is your dream job, and why?

• I want to be a midwife. I believe in women's ability to birth well on their own in an environment that supports them and want to be there to welcome new littles into the world.

VIII. What are 5 passions you have?

1. Informed birth choices
2. Comprehensive sex education
3. Communication
4. Healthy marriages
5. Montessori/Waldorf education

IX. List 5 people who have influenced you and describe how.

1. Abuelos - they have been married more than half a century and chose each other even when life got rough. They have such an incredible testimony.
2. Dad - he put us kids first even when it meant foregoing a promotion or giving up something he wanted
3. Jason - he taught me how to relax and not take life so seriously (something I still struggle with)
4. Aunt Debbie - she has shown me what it is to live your faith and be a woman of prayer
5. Colleen - I can't describe the ways she's influenced my life, she's affected the way I live my marriage, my faith, let go of the past, and view the future.

X. Describe your most embarrassing moment.

• It involves being very, very ill at my in-laws my first Christmas as a wife.

XI. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.

1. People messing with their phones when they are in a social setting (or church, or at dinner, or...)
2. Pet owners who don't clean up after their pets in public spaces
3. Not acknowledging the person who is holding the door open for you
4. When people say "Or-eee-gone" it's "Orygun," c'mon now
5. Thanks to Laura and Lily from HIMYM, the word "moist" now really unnerves me
6. When couples say "we're pregnant!" No, you plural are not pregnant. You are both expecting, but only one of you is pregnant. It's weird to pretend otherwise.
7. Talking during movies (or playing with your phone)
8. There's something Jason and I were talking about the other day that resulted in me saying, "I had no idea how much that annoys me until this very moment," but I can't for the life of me remember what it was When people interchange "sex" and "gender." They are not the same thing. You do not find out a baby's gender from an ultrasound, you learn the sex.
9. Not rinsing dishes. I don't care if they're stacked by the sink, but for the love, please rinse them
10. Uggs. I absolutely hate seeing people wearing Uggs. They actually make me a little angry.

XII. Describe a typical day in your current life.

Right now, I wake up multiple times between 1:30 am and 5:45 am and generally kick a cat while rolling over. The alarm goes off at 6:30 am and I get in the shower at 6:45 am. Attempt to eat breakfast, Jason drives me to work. I throw up sometime between 8:30 and 11:00 am. Have lunch at 12:30, do some more work, head home at 5:00 pm, change into my pajamas and read or watch a movie while Jason cooks dinner. Eat dinner, read some more, then go to bed and start the cycle over. It's pretty exciting round here at the moment.

XIII. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.

1. Caring too deeply about things I shouldn't
2. I'm a people pleaser
3. I don't follow through with things well
4. I'm stubborn
5. I don't easily forgive

XIV. Describe 5 strengths you have.

1. I'm faithful
2. I stand by what I believe is right
3. I'm compassionate
4. I'm tactful
5. I'm not afraid to do the hard things to save a relationship worth saving

XV. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
        A pelican. They fly, live near the water, and eat a lot of fish.

XVI. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?

1. Graduating from college
2. Marrying my best friend
3. Recovering from depression
4. Walking 110km of the Camino de Santiago (enough to have a piece of paper from the priest of Santiago de Compestella stating my sins had been forgiven)
5. Actually, living in Spain was a pretty big deal

XVII. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
           Budgeting. I feel like I already answered this question.

XVIII. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
            The most difficult is still a work in progress. The second most difficult was forgiving Jason for his fall from grace this summer.

XIX. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
         Central Oregon, namely Sisters. It's warmer in the summer and colder in the winter than Eastern Oregon with the most beautiful countryside and backpacking trails. And very little rain.

XX. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.

1. When Dad brought Axo (our golden retriever) home. That dog was a saint.
2. My mother walking out on my 9th birthday.
3. Rollerblading at Sam-o-Swim skate park Christmas morning with Dad. All of us got rollerblades from "Santa" (Jillian got Barbie rollerskates; she was five) and it was ridiculously warm that year. When I see the pictures from the skate park I forget it was Christmas day.

XXI. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
         Teleportation and first I would teleport to an sunny island and just relax.

XXII. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?

• 5 years - mother of two
• 10 years - homeowner
• 15 years - partner at a midwife-run birth center

XXIII. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.

1. Reading - it's a cheap vacation
2. Fishing - I love fish and it's so repetitive it's relaxing
3. Badmitton - it's just fun
4. Settlers of Catan - it's always a new game
5. Camping - it's the one time I get to eat as many s'more as I want

XXIV. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
            My brother and I are even closer than we ever were. My sister and I are just as distant and maybe more so than we were in childhood.

XXV. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
          There are so many interesting people... I'd love to have tea with the Bronte sisters.

XXVI. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
            "Do whatever makes you happy." For one, it's generally said dismissively. Secondly, one of the things most wrong with the world is we're all looking out for our own happiness instead of caring for our neighbors.

XXVII. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
             My ears. They neither gain nor lose weight and always look right on my head.

XXVIII. What is your love language?
              Quality time.

XXIX. What do you think people misunderstand most about you?
             Contemplativeness for judgement.

XXX. List 5 things you would hope to be remembered for.

1. I loved deeply
2. I wasn't afraid to say and do the hard things
3. My compassion
4. My faith influenced my choices and the people around me
5. I worked to make the world a better place for those who will come behind me

Our Story: Part III

Continuing our story... Read Part 1 and Part II by clicking the links.

That year long engagement was a whirlwind of activity. The prince was involved in every activity from setting the date, picking out the cardstock for the DIY invitations, deciding on the color scheme, and choosing flowers. He even attended a Bridal Expo! The princess knew she was very lucky.

As months turned to weeks and then windled down to days, the two became more committed to one another and more excited about their life together.

The September 8, 2007 wedding was a beautiful evening affair. Amongst candlelight, the two pledged their lives to one another among their dearest family and friends. They committed fidelity through better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health 'til death do them part them "and even then will I love you."

In those early months the princess knew more love and laughter than she ever imagined possible. The two grew together as individuals, as a couple, and in their faith. They truly believed the "honeymoon period" would never end as each day they found themselves more in love than the previous.

****

But, in life, as in fairytales, good things do come to an end, at least for a time. In the fall of 2009, Duke Depression started weaseling his way into their happy home. By the following June it became obvious the princess was not experiencing an unusually long bout of seasonal affect depressive disorder (SADD), but was in "big D depression."  The winter of 2010 was the darkest the two ever went through as the Duke held the princess in his grasp.

The knights and ladies of the Monday Night Posse circled around the two, surrounding them with physical, emotional, and spiritual support. The nearly two years that followed would have been much darker, and maybe had a sadder ending, without them.

While the Duke held the princess captive, the prince set about managing life for the both of them - cleaning the house, making meals, paying the bills - while attending school and working full-time. His caretaking was so appreciated by the princess who considered getting out of bed and going to work a victory.

***

With the loving support of family and friends, counseling, severing unhealthy relationships, and an 18-month dose of Lord Zoloft, the princess began to reclaim her life bit by bit. By April 2012 she could confidently say she felt like herself and she fearlessly kicked the Duke to the curb.  

Reunited, the prince and princess celebrated their victory, became excited about hopes and dreams they thought lost for a time, and looked forward to their brighter future with the same unbridled enthusiasm they had entered their union.

The two didn't realize they were merely in an intermission and a bigger story was still playing out. Soon life would take another unexpected turn.

The Power of Stories: Part II

Lately I've spent a lot of time thinking about how we tell our stories, especially the less than glamorous ones. Do we hide them and let them own us or do we shape them as a part of us that we are learning/benefiting from? As we are currently in the midst of a shameful part of our story and are not of one mind on how to proceed, I've started thinking about what this season of our lives will look like five or ten years from now. Right now the emotions are raw and uninhibited. In time I know I'll see this with different eyes. How will the story be told then? This is the story I hope to tell my children...

Once upon a time, in the kingdom of Ocean Beach, a princess met a wonderful prince. The two became fast friends and after some time realized there could be more meant for them than friendship. After a few months of courting long distance, the prince took a leap of faith, quit his job, and relocated to the wonderful land of Oregon to be nearer to his princess.

Those were wonderful days! The two shared a passion for the outdoors, exploring book stores, and were active in their church. They made new friends, became really good at badmitton, and enjoyed many road trips together. The time the princess spent in Spain studying only increased their fondness for one another, and when she returned the prince knew this was the woman he wanted to spend his life with.

So, on September 7 he gathered their two best friends and sent them on a mission while he was at worship team practice. Of the princess, he requested a picnic dinner for after practice. By time practice was over, the princess was not up to a late night picnic dinner, but the prince sweetly convinced her and she really was hungry after all.

Once they pulled into Mt. Tabor Park, a place they had long enjoyed walking around, the prince asked if the princess would like to be blindfolded. This was an age-old joke between the two, so she relented to his silly games by allowing him to throw his hoodie over her head and then lead her through the park.

They stopped near the summit, and when the princess removed the hood she thought the mountain was on fire. As her eyes adjusted she found her princes on bended knee with a beautiful ring. The "fire" was actually candles arranged in a heart shape around their picnic blanket.

She said yes.

~To Be Continued~

The Power of Stories: Part I

It's the eve of my fifth anniversary. This Friday, September 7 is so very different than that one in 2007 I remember so fondly. The one where I was surrounded by family and friends, wrapping up wedding details and celebrating another milestone - my Aunt Pam's 50th birthday. Above all, I was looking forward to committing the rest of my life to a man who had so unexpectedly come into my life three years prior and for whom I was so utterly and completely head over heels for.

Five years isn't such an extraordinarly long time in the grand scheme of life, but it is a major milestone. We have endured nearly every aspect of our vows with grace, thanksgiving, and sometimes a lot of self-sacrifice. In this new season of our marriage I can reflect on the day we took our vows with such promise, and a healthy dose of naivete, and recognize a pledge taken in faith sometimes means you're agreeing to stay true through things you couldn't ever have imagined. I think if someone had told me that then instead of a month ago I may have run in the other direction. It is probably for the best we can't see every trial our relationship will face "til death do {us} part."

I am becoming the family storyteller. The keeper of the stories of our family's trials and triumphs. Some of the stories are hard to hear and some are inspiring or just plain silly. I believe it is so important to pass those stories on, even the ugly ones, so the next generation knows they are not alone and others have gone before them and come through stronger. Those are the stories I so desperately need to hear while I am writing this difficult part of my own story. 

There is power and freedom in being an active participant in your story. Sometimes things happen that you would rather not share, but most times those things you don't want to share end up having power over you. When you tell your story you take control of it. The stories of better times hold us together when we're going through the muck and remind us where we've come from and when we reach the other side of it we can point to that time and say, "We did that, we made it."

It's our stories that can bind us or tear us apart. They are also the legacy we leave for the next generation. It doesn't do any good to keep them locked up.